xx Ella.Z

He should know that I'll always be here --not waiting but hoping that if he ever comes back, my heart still beats for him. They say --good things come to those who wait. But then, I wonder why should I wait? Waiting for you is heartbreaking, Waiting for you is time-consuming, Waiting for you is draining me, Waiting for you is closing my heart for another, And I don't want that. Because waiting for you is like wishing on a shooting star that is long dead since you're like a sweet dream of mine that will never come true. If waiting means forever then maybe I should just give up and hand my heart to those who actually played the waiting game like me.

Being needy is the last option I had in mind because I used to be one and it never made him stay.  Inspired by a song from Ariana Grande which I'm currently obsessed with. I can be needy, But I don't want to seem, Like I need someone, Never to part. Or someone, To even touch me, With all one's heart. I've been needy, And it's not something, He favored, Of me wanting, His time, His space, His affection, When all I need was, A little of his attention.

Saying goodbye is the hardest when he chooses to stay. Crazy isn't it? That you and I, Will eventually say goodbye, When all feelings die? So I keep telling myself, today. I'm not gonna lose you. I'm not gonna lose you. I'm not gonna lose you. Even when you're still here, Until then, I'll live with this fear,  The hardest thing I'd ever do, Is saying goodbye to you.

He drives me wild, sometimes. This lust for him, within --I just couldn't understand.  It's 2019, Here I am, Lusting you still, Dressed in an underwear, That you thought was sexy, As I run my fingers, From my neck, Down to my hip, Writing dirty words, A pleasure for your read.

Does it ever get lonely? Thinking you could live without me. Halsey's new breakup song inspired me to write out my own. Do you think of me, babe? When you're feeling high, Choking yourself w ith smokes, Of a lit-joint, Thinking you're not sorry, For a past you wish to forget, Or not quite yet? A blurred face, A silhouette. Do you think of me, babe? When you're feeling high, Or have I become a distant memory? The one you can no longer trace, Why? No longer you know my name, No longer you recognize my face, I was there, You can't deny. Do you still think of me, babe? When you're feeling high, Though I'm far for you to hold, Can you live? Being lonely, Without me? Whilst having fun, Not what I've been told, You can't.

Concrete jungle where dreams are made of. If he promised me, New York ..I'd promise him, me. Take me to New York City, Take my hand and let's run away. Let others say what they wanna say, We'll make history starting from today, Here in a city we love, we should stay. Take me to New York City, Take my hand and let's go, bae. Just me and you, down and all the way, From day to night, night to day, Here where we make endless love as we lay. Under the city lights --of New York City.

You know what happen when you meet your ultimate dream guy? Love at first sight happens. First, it was a splash as I saw you,  standing tall before me.  Then, it came with a big wave  as you mesmerized me with a handsome smile.  And it takes only a second when it swallowed me whole like a tsunami!  I was drowning to have a special kind of feeling right when I heard my name said on your lips, as you greeted me with a simple gesture of a suave handshake. You hit me with a catastrophe that made me unsure of surviving.  Is this a tragedy of love at first sight?  I guess it is right.

Another chapter for my bad boy persona. Brokenhearted by regrets is his best skill to feel. His love had to leave. She had to leave. All that's left for him is his regrets in every cigarette he took. And memories of her, her name, the initial --scarred as a tattoo on his skin, achingly forever.

Long distance kills and so, I wrote this --a  past lover of mine were miles away and I just couldn't stop myself from missing him. Petals, Sticking to a flower, Beautiful but brings me sorrow. As I'm counting them to wait, For that moment I called, fate. I count the days with those petals, One by one, I started to pluck, With my heart hoping for a luck. For every petal carries a hope, Please to know that I can't cope, Anymore, Any longer, Because with you around, I am much stronger. I want you to meet me again, Like a drought waiting for the rain, You fall to my hand once again. And as for those petals I count, I wish they will never be found, For pain lies in every one of it, Leading a pathway for a quit. But I don't want to quit! I want to keep waiting, Sitting, Pacing. I'm here to have you back, And you shall bring the light, Of my days shaded in black. Petals, They flew far away, As the...

He created a gap to tell me it's over. But I got lost each time he said I should leave. Can you feel this empty void? The more I let go, the bigger it becomes, the more it pulls me in --sucking me in vortex that I, myself could get lost in it. It's in your grasp, I cling to. I thought you could hold me back from falling but your grip --it's slowly loosening and letting me tumble into this massive black hole you purposely created. 

Is this love or am I just catching feelings? I turn him into an art when I'm clueless to know the real meaning. How can I explain this feeling? To feel yet to know if it's real. A strange feeling of missing someone, Though he's here and never gone. He knew nothing of this longing, I don't know where this is going. So then I wrote him in my heart, To turn this feeling into an art.

Forgetting him would be the hardest thing to do. Because I can't seem to get him out of my head. How do you forget someone? A question I hardly know the answer. Because the truth is ..you can't.  Not when he gave you so much to remember. No matter how hard you try to erase the thought of him, he'll still be there --haunting you with remnants of the past. So tell me, how do you forget someone without having to see him in your mind at the mention of his name or when a certain song playing on the radio, it reminds you of him or when you walk pass by a store, his cologne scent suddenly engulfs your senses or when you think of NYC, his voice ringing, "Let's go, babe!" in your head? How do you do that? How do you stop someone from haunting you? Because even though, he isn't here anymore, his ghost keep following me wherever I go as if he has an unfinished business with me. I can see him everywhere in the streets, under the city lights...

My muse confuses me, sometimes. And I can't help but to change the way I write. Minutes ago, I knew exactly what to write. I had these mixed feelings of melancholy and rage of getting ignored by you. Seconds ago, you rang me. "Sorry, couldn't get to you earlier. How was your day?" These feelings I have are fluttering from the inside as if butterflies filling up my tummy.  Honestly, I have no idea what to write now.

I for one is an absolute art lover.  I don't know why but it's quite amazing if anyone ever describe me as an art. He didn't quite understand how she is so fascinated with art. Perhaps it was the strokes in each painting, the story behind the creation or the colours and forms used to make it work as art itself? That awed look she dons every time they visit an art museum, makes it hard for him to decipher why art is love to her. Perhaps that's how people look at him as he stares at her, sometimes in bewilderment. She's like an art to him --a masterpiece that he couldn't possibly figure out why it was interesting enough to make him fall in love, anyway.

I wanted my mind to take me back momentarily to where it was before --when everything is as beautiful as the Sunset. You know that feeling when you watch the sun slowly sets in the late evening? For a second there, it's like taking you back to a nostalgic lane. A scenic view for you to just enjoy as how your mind reminiscing you of all the beautiful memories once reeled in your past. It lasted only for a short time but for what it's worth, it actually made you smile knowing that you have had the best memories treasured forever. As the Sun fades away, leave it all behind because the show is over. While it may lured you enough to not move, just remember memories are only meant to be a visiting spot not a destination you ought to stay.

Missing him is slowly becoming a bad habit. So then, I write this out to remind me not to miss him again and again. There's a feeling I could not resist, to say it right while being fine. I shudder to the least, saying "I miss you" for the first time. But who am I to miss? When you're someone, not even mine.

Perhaps the most beautiful music I ever heard is said by his lips --a whisper of his true feelings that came straight from his heart.  Our shoulders brushed as you lean in close, reaching for a gentle whisper. Words were dancing and singing in an art so soothing that got me to shiver. The music in your voice was like the sound of a beautifully played violin --momentarily changing words into a melodic tune that crept beneath my skin.  "I love you."  You said and I caught myself smiling, blushing, heavenly red on the face. You present me a music of prickling comfort that soon rouse my soul to long for its embrace. I can't help of hearing your voice, that soft but raspy of a kind which soothes my heart to the soul.  "Say it, again."  You smiled and the music began playing in my ears, that beautiful sound of my favourite melody, you.

It's not that I don't love, I still do. But I've been contradicting myself whether I am truly in love or am I just in love with the idea of falling in love. "Why won't you write about love, anymore?" He asked. "What's the point of writing when you can no longer feel?" "But what if I can make you feel again?" He was trying. "I would write for you but I can't promise whatever written is true." And I gave him a devious smile before walking away that instantly made him stop asking again.

Sea, Sunset & You. What could be more perfect than those 3 combined? Dedicated for that guy who I can't help but remembering every time I went to the beach & watch the sunset.  The sound of the waves, do you hear it?  That soothing music gives you calm and comfort you needed. And isn't it ironic of how my mind wanders to you? Do you still remember? I do. Because I was sitting by the sea while staring at the sunset and you were making me smile even from the other side. No, you were not there with me but our souls were connected. In the midst of my loneliness, you were almost there to cheer me up and as I left the sandy shore, I had a few bits of memories --most of them were bitter that I long to forget but the sweetest part made by you somehow hasn't left me quite yet. Days have passed and you took a voyage on the same coast and I was your call from the other side. I guess we switched places and to where the same sea we ought to turn to. I was there...

Basically, it's about a guy I knew who is super shy that I had to put a stop to whatever we had.  Can you feel the disappointed tone at the end of the poem? That's how I felt. I know this guy, He's breathless, He's charming, Oh what a guy! He's that guy, I couldn't care less, He's the one I'm chasing, But then he's shy. Too shy for a guy, And so I sigh, And I sigh, And I sigh..